When the husband is younger. What regret after 10 years
Families in which a wife is older than her husband are not happy for long. To this conclusion Lena, having lived 10 years in a marriage with Andrei, who is 6 years younger than her. But can you try to save the marriage?
Elena: 38 years old, manager
Andrei and I have been living together for 10 years, and met when I was 28, and he was 22. When I saw Andrei at the fitness club, I was the first to come and talk to him. At first, everything was wonderful with us - Andrei said that he always dreamed of someone like me (he likes active, purposeful women). In addition, Andrei was interested with me - he believed that I know much more than he did, and listened to me with enthusiasm, even if I was talking frank nonsense. Again, the sexual side of the relationship - Andrew was not particularly sophisticated in this area. In a word, we fell in love with each other head over heels. But my friends dissuaded me from this connection, they say, with such a difference in age, nothing serious can be built. “After 10 years,” they assured, “he will exchange you for a young girl, and it will be difficult for you to find a husband for yourself.” But I was used to living my own mind, so I did not listen to these tips. And now I think that I was a little presumptuous, because the forecasts of her friends seem to be starting to come true.
Andrei is literally annoyed by everything - what and how I say, even my tone. He screams that he is tired of my commanding habits and he is tired of dancing to my tune. He also decided that I was not putting him in anything. We are constantly quarreling. And in December, a terrible scandal erupted over where to celebrate the New Year. For several years in a row we went to my parents, and then suddenly this tradition began to cross his throat. As an alternative, he suggested visiting his friends. But I got tired of all these noisy partying drunks until morning with cigarette butts in saucers for a long time.
In a word, the situation is very painful for me. It so happened that Andrei and I became very close, because it was I who shaped his taste in everything - my husband grew up in a family where my parents were too busy with their careers and paid little attention to their son, he lived with one grandmother or another. I can say that I made a man out of him, but he now hates me for all the good. I thought for a long time how such changes in my husband’s behavior could be caused, and I came to the conclusion that the reason for everything is my age. Apparently, the friends were right - marriages in which a wife is older than her husband are doomed.
Andrey: 32 years old, logistics Lena does not understand that you can’t command others around you all the time, even if those around you love you, because constant dictatorship causes nothing but conflict. Lena, with her desire to suppress, has long exceeded the permissible limit - I am a patient person, but even my patience has burst. She never worried about my opinion - no matter what she intended, everything should be instantly executed. Most of my friends got married, and their family relationships developed differently. This is not to say that Lena and I have nothing in common, just our relationship is built on the type of “teacher - student”, but it does not suit me. For example, we are visiting, at 11 o’clock Lena decisively says: “We have to go!” - and gets up. However, she is not interested in whether I want to leave right now. A trifle? Yes, but she perfectly illustrates her attitude towards me. Lena ignores my friends - you see, it’s boring with them. But these are my friends! And I'm tired of being there alone when everyone comes with his half. It turns out that at work they reckon with me, respect me, because I achieved something, and at home I feel like a naughty loser with a strict teacher. Another example is the New Year, which we must definitely celebrate with the wife’s parents. Lena says that she’s "drunk and messy" annoying her, so we should spend New Year's Eve calmly. Personally, I want to howl from this calm.
PSYCHOLOGIST TIPS: error handling
Recently, the number of marriages in which a wife is older than her husband has increased significantly. Women who are in their thirties or about thirty are very popular among young people. And the motives of popularity are different. First of all, the desire of men to have sex with an experienced partner who can teach a lot. The second motive is purely mercantile, when a strong and influential woman helps a man strengthen his material and social status. The third is the need for a smart, caring, all-knowing mother. If we talk about the relationship between Lena and Andrei, then their main problem is the authoritarianism of his wife. And in vain Lena writes off all difficulties to her age, because equality is determined not by years, but by a common worldview, the same level of education, emotionality
Lena should change her behavior. It is necessary to let Andrey feel that he is perceived as a strong, equal partner. Only this needs to be done gently: gradually establish relations with his friends, more often be interested in his opinion, and solve all issues together. And no need to blame the difference in age. Of course, a woman who is 20 years older than her husband runs the risk of being unattractive in adulthood. But the difference between Lena and Andrei is not so great as to seriously pay attention to her. The problem is not in the passport data, but in the inability to adapt to each other, the lack of flexibility, understanding of the needs of the partner and unwillingness to find a reasonable compromise.