Adopt a husband
Responded by Elena Novoselova, psychologist, host of the program "There is a way out!" on Silver Rain
IN: I am confused and do not know how to live on. I am a successful, wealthy person. Married, we have a growing son, he is 11 years old. I love my wife. But for 2 years now we sleep on different edges of the bed. Once she said that she never felt in me a strong, courageous man. But I want to love and be loved, what should I do?
Despair, indeed, sounds in every line. Let's try to figure out what is happening. I was surprised that you rate yourself as a negative character, although your letter does not contain a hint of flaws or bad character traits. Is this due to initially low self-esteem? You acknowledge that your wife is a stronger person than you. It’s not easy for a man to feel weaker than a woman. And there are reasons for this - different physiological and psychological structures of men and women. In male culture, the idea of a winner, a conqueror is at the forefront. Each - at its own level, in its own system of values. If a man does not feel like a “winner”, then unconsciously begins to build a defense system. In your case, the mechanism of the game "mother - son" was launched. Most likely, she does not feel in you strength, a male core in character, a certain portion of brutality. It is possible that for your wife, this particular trait of a masculine character is the most attractive and exciting. Therefore, the woman in her "fell asleep." Hence the familiar portrait: a great wife without “conjugal duties” is almost a mother!
It would be nice to analyze “under the microscope” your relationship with your wife from the point of view of male brutality, that is, in the field of decision-making, the implementation of these decisions, and behavior in quarrels. And if possible, change the style of communication.
Get yourself and your wife a weekend away from home and without a child. Organize them yourself, without her help.
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Q: I am 20 years old, I have been dating a young man for a year. He is an interesting person. I like everything about him, except for one, he does not give me gifts for the holidays. He says he does not like to do, like everyone else. And I am very offended.
Alas, we cannot force anyone to do what he does not like. If your young man is an extraordinary personality, then perhaps he hates to give joy to his beloved only on New Year and on March 8. If he is generous to you during non-holiday time, attentive, then this feature of him is not critical. He has many advantages, but he does not fit into the standards, is it worth making a problem out of this?
Very often, girls determine the measure of the attitude of young people towards them precisely by gifts for certain dates and holidays. And this is not due to the relationship within the couple, but to the impression that gifts will be made on friends and friends. Thus, that intimate and important thing is crossed out, which is the essence of the relationship of a couple in love. It is worth telling the young man about his feelings because of the lack of gifts. And if it is impossible for him to obey social stereotypes, then his spontaneous manifestations should be appreciated.
Send letters to the psychologist to the editorial office or by e-mail: [email protected]
PHOTO: FOTOBANK / GETTY, A. BEREZINA